Stay-at-home mum
You know, there is this old man who comes to the Botanic Gardens at 8 AM every day to do his stretching exercises. And people just come and join in and follow his stretching exercises. Every day, good ah this old man! It’s one hour, from 8am to 9am. My friend told me about it, so we used to go together. But because she stays in Choa Chu Kang, she stopped because she finds it too far and the traffic in the morning is bad. Now, I go twice a week, on Mondays and Tuesdays, because I drop my son off before that. Like today. All kinds of people join in his exercise… you see all races, ang mohs, and mostly housewives. I don’t talk to any of them, even though I’ve been going for years already. We just smile at each other, watch the old man, and follow his stretching. Then once a year, I buy him [the old man] a gift. After all, his “classes” are free!
Usually, morning is my free time. On Mondays, I go to the supermarket, on Tuesdays I go to the market. On these two days I run the errands after going to Botanic Gardens for exercise. On Wednesdays, I play golf. I picked it up 10 years ago when I feel I had more time. Tomorrow morning I’m going. And on Thursday and Friday, I do the “admin” for the household… bills, filing. Even though we have a maid, she does the housework and cooking. For leisure and if I’m free, I will meet with my friends for breakfast. On afternoons, when my son is around I am also around.
My family? Husband, I have only one (laughs), and three kids. Amelia is 26 this year, Eugenia is 22, the middle child and Ignatius is 21 this year. My son has special needs. This was the main reason I stopped work since Ignatius was 2 years old. He goes to Pathlight School which allows them to learn at their own pace as he’s a very slow learner. But they can only stay in school until 21.
My son is very well-behaved and has a quiet personality. So this makes him a target of bullies, even in this school. There’s this one fella. The teacher saw it with her own eyes, and she has punished the boy. But you see… despite the school being a sheltered environment he still can be bullied. The teacher asked me, “so how so how what’s next?” Well, normal program is ITE, and my son’s mind is focused on ITE. But you know la, the students at ITE have two kinds. The first is the very naughty, very pai [Hokkien word for naughty], not motivated. The second is slow, normal people, who are just not smart. The problem is the environment is no more sheltered, teachers are not looking out for you. Can you imagine what it would be like there? She asked me, are you going to let Ignatius go?
So we have to figure out what’s next. A lot of special needs students go to ITE and drop out as they cannot cope socially. You know there is project work, and you have to work as a team. Another option is for him to start a business. But I rather not, as I will have to be very much involved. And at this age, I don’t think I want to be a businesswoman. Another option, you know autistic kids show some talent. But he doesn’t… no passion and talent. So I decided to let him try baking at a school. Sunrise teaches cooking and bakery. I talked to the director, and he said it’s a good idea. What he’s suggesting is to find a company for my son and get them to sponsor him to attend the school using some government skills upgrading package. I don’t know… so many things to take in.
Before this we were living in US. Amelia and Eugenia were born in New York. When I came back, I was working for this publisher as their marketing staff. About 1.5 years later, I gave birth to Ignatius. I left them on a full-time basis when Ignatius was 2 years old, and I did part-time for them. But it was very disruptive… neither here nor there. Before I totally stopped working I was sending him for therapy. All kinds: speech therapy, occupational therapy… you name it, I’ve tried it. But I felt nothing was working, and it was very expensive. The speech therapy was $120 an hour, three times a week. Occupational therapy was $80 an hour, also three times a week. He also used to go to this school called Horizon, in the past, and do you know how much it was? I still can remember. It was not even full day, from 8.30am to 12.30pm, and it cost $3000 a month!
At that time, special needs was very new to me. I read all that I could. But I could see he was hardly improving. So I decided to take things into my own hands. I went to learn to teach him. It really helped. I also explored biological treatment. A doctor here recommended a doctor in Adeline. So we go there once a year for his therapy. That really worked, plus what I was doing with him. If you had known Ignatius when he was very young and see how he is now, he has improved… academic, social, everything… even physical. When he was two years old, he had no backbone like tofu very nua [Hokkien word meaning soft]. No structure at all. And he was babbling until four years old. So difficult to toilet train him too; at six he was still in diapers. But he improved so much.
I actually quite enjoy being a stay-at-home mum. When Ignatius was younger, I helped with his studies a lot. Now I don’t help him anymore, I am quite relaxed. Just send him to school and pick him up. I want to interact with him more. He is very attached to me, like I think I’m the most important person in his life or something. One day, a few years back, I talked about death. And he started crying and couldn’t handle. Because of all the time I’ve spent with him, he is so attached, and it is hard to cut the string. He is growing, he is a man now. But in terms of mental state, very baby… can be bullied and cheated. Can be quite scary. People tell me, “You must learn to let go”. But it is not so easy. He doesn’t like to go out with friends. He has no friends. It’s just me. Now the girls are older, they have their own social life. But they do think of him and try to include him. Good to have girls. But poor thing now he has three mothers instead of one. He is quite scared of them actually (laughs).
I really enjoyed working life, yes yes. First, I get to dress up (laughs). Now look at me! Second, I lost my financial independence. But my husband has been very free with me… he doesn’t control my spending. Some husbands actually give their wives pocket money, and I can’t stand that. For us, we have a joint account where his pay goes into. But anyway, I am not a spendthrift. Initially, when I first stopped working, I had to think twice before I wanted to buy something because the money was not my own. Nowadays, not anymore. And the other thing is that I like to talk to other people, about stuff like current affairs. Most people I now hang out with now, they are like me. Children all around same age. Right now, my very good friends, buddies… there are four ladies that I meet up with every week.
Special needs… have so many different kinds. Everyone suffers in their own ways. How everyone copes depends on how supportive the family is. Did you know, I know of two mothers… they jumped down [committed suicide] because they couldn’t cope. The other thing is that the husband may be neglected, and I know a case where the husband strays big time. And the family just fell apart. There is also stress on the kids. Eugenia and Ignatius are one year apart. When growing up, she used to tell me off, “You love Ignatius, you don’t love me.” Not easy to devote time to every single kid. Along the way, I do admit I must have neglected my husband and the girls. I try to be conscious. When they were younger, it was harder. But the two girls have grown very close, and unfortunately they don’t really connect with Ignatius that way. They just treat him like a baby brother.
I have learnt a lot through my son. It’s just circumstances pushed me. If not for my son, I would still be working. I learn about special needs. I used to volunteer at the school, I get to learn. It opens me up to a totally different world. Last time I see a kid so naughty, the first thing that comes to my mind is “wah the parents so lousy”. Thing about kids with autism and special needs… they look perfectly normal but behavior is of. I think I have become more… compassionate. If you aren’t exposed to them, you will never know. When I go for mass, there is this family and it is quite clear that their two boys have special needs. They are six and ten years old. Someone made a comment that the parents don’t know how to discipline their kids. But I could tell, and I told these people definitely these kids have special needs. I mean, the parents also feel quite stressed and embarrassed.
I am pretty happy with how my kids have turned out. It’s how I measure my success. I don’t mean in terms of academics or other success. The other part – values, morals – are important things to me. My kids have acquired values that I want to impart. At least, my values. Some kids are brought up by their grandparents and maids, and the kids learn their values instead. There are also those kinds of parents who work but “remote control” their kids who are looked after by grandparents or maids. This sends a lot of conflicting signals, not good. My main fear is, you know, in terms of values, all driven by media and social values of the world today. Morality. There must be a ceiling. If morality follows social norm, things keep moving. And actually I don’t know if I’m successful in imparting these into my girls… they will say I’m naggy. But secretly, I think yes.
Singapore, 2015